I went to the doctor today for my insomnia problem. I got sleeping pills, and now I’m waiting to get my money so i can pay for them and go home. Sleeping pills, diazepam and temazepam are not covered by our insurance here and it kinda sucks a little. Because now I’m at my dads house waiting and I’m dead tired. But I’m finally able to sleep normally again with these pills so I’m quite happy.

Also it’s my mothers birthday today. The most lovely woman in the world turned 49 years old today Can’t wait to get home and give her a big big hug and tell her how much I love her and also make some of her favorite snacks for the party tonight.

Oh and I did some shoping. I bought a new digital camera. IT’s not the Nikon i wanted, but it’s a great camera to take some pictures in hong kong with. It’s got 16mp, 5x zoom, hd recording and so on. I also bought another Xbox 360 controller (huge game freak ) and an HDMI cable to connect my laptop screen to my xbox that way i can lay in my bed and play instead of sitting up the whole time and watch the damn small screen of my little tv l. I’m playing Naruto right now and Skyrim, awesome games ♥

I also bought some really cute tops and the cutest sandals and wedges I have ever seen in Holland lol, I’m going to take pictures once I get home. And also a lot of nail polish and this one oil thingie that looks like nail polish but it actually dries your nails in 10 seconds. I swear by it, it’s FFing AMAZING!!

For about two weeks now I can’t sleep unless I’ve reached a point where my body is dying for some rest and I can’t keep my eyes open anymore, that is after approximately 2 days without sleep.

I have tried diazepam yesterday after reaching my breaking point. It didn’t help me at all. Just a few moments ago I took diazepam with temazepam, I’m till waiting for the effects to kick in. This is really frustrating. The daizepam is supposed to calm me, instead I’m crying out of frustration. I need my sleep, my body is tired but no matter how long i keep my eyes closed nothing happens.

Everybody dreams about starting over at one point in their lives. This as a result of finding a new love, losing someone, a new job opportunity, or making wrong choices affecting their own lives and the lives of others.

I’ve made a lot of wrong choices in my life and a lot of pain was caused to my family and myself in consequence of my actions. I can’t say that I’m proud of that, in fact I’m downright miserable because of it. My studies are going downhill, I can never manage to hold a job for a period longer then a year, my love life is in shambles, fake friends, i can go on like this for ages.. I guess it’s safe to say that I’ve finally had it.

The thought of starting over elsewhere has been spooking through my head for quite some time now. And I’ve decided to finally act on it and decided to start traveling in order to find a place to settle.
My mother and I talked about it since she also wants to move to another country in order to build up a new life with her new boyfriend. She wanted me to come with her to Belgium(our neighbor country). Even though I want to go I don’t feel like it’s the right decision. She wants to get married and start a new with him, as another adult I don’t belong in that picture. I should be living on my own and taking care of myself. She’s been taking care of me for the past twenty-two years, she’s done enough. Right now she deserves her happiness.

I haven’t talked about this yet with my two best friends. I’ve known them for years and they are part of the reason I do not want to leave Holland yet. Sure we joked a little about moving to Canada a few weeks ago and even though deep down I know we all want the same thing, we have each other and family keeping us here. No one wants to break away knowing theres a chance that after a while it’s clear that choosing to leave was the wrong choice.

I’ve also been really down these past few days. My niece has a condition where her bones aren’t that strong and they bones in her legs are fractured. She has a hard time walking. And it really hurts me you know, she’s just a child. What could she have possibly done to deserve to suffer like this at such a young age?
The real problem is that my sister cannot work yet because she doesn’t have the right papers. My sister moved back to the Caribbean a few years ago but she and the kids were still registered at my fathers house. He decided to undo that because nobody liked his “girlfriend” and the papers he received with the information my sister needed to start working in the Caribbean are lost. And after we asked him to give us the papers or let us search for it he started pointing fingers and blamed us for the whole thing. I mean his granddaughter has a chance she might never walk again and the only thing he did was put the blame on us, while what he did he did it out of spite…

I’m done with all this shit. Thank god there is another way for her to get the papers by requesting them again. But thats going to take about 2 months. it’s a really long time. She should have never moved away from here. If she had decided to stay, even though the kids didn’t have health care they would have still been helped.

And thats my dilemma. I can’t move away to find myself thinking about how it would have been if i stayed. Sometimes we’ve got to take risks, but is it worth it losing everything you got?